What's in a name?

Today on my birthday, I ponder the age-old question: What’s in a name?

Witness the great care and consideration humans demonstrate when choosing names for their children in noble nom de guerres as Michael, Jacob, Ethan, William, and Daniel.

Names that command dignity and respect. Names of distinction, decorum, pride, and self-esteem. Names a child can be proud to wear while growing into adulthood whereupon they will abide the human commandment of “Be fruitful and multiply.”

Dogs, it should be noted, invented this commandment.

Indeed, the cycle of reproduction is a wondrous thing; it fosters the human desire for immortality by vicarious thrill through the lives of their children. Is it any wonder why humans select such dignified monikers for their offspring?

Never let it be said that humans are less thoughtful when naming their dogs.

Fido. Fluffy. Fifi. Booger. Bandit. Champ. Poopsie. Dinky.

Clearly, human beings are compassionate and sensitive creatures who glorify their dogs with names of equal esteem to that of their children.

Imagine, if you will, a mother’s pride in her newborn son Slobbers. Now amplify that touching moment as Little Fartsy and Beefeater scoot closer to gaze at their new sibling.

There is really no difference in a dam’s love for her litter as she suckles tiny Bill, Adam, Charles, and Bethany.

Truly, Shakespeare said it best: “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Do you give good cuddles?

Funny thing about cuddles. You never know when you're going to get them.

Cuteness will only get you so far in life, and you have to do the rest yourself. Which is why I make a habit of using my charm on any female who will give me the time of day.

I admit it. I am frivolous with my affection. I will rub against any female who looks like a promising conquest. I like to take my cuddles and leave. At the first available opportunity.

I am a dog, you know. Men get their primitive instincts from me.

My mommy has no idea what a hound dog I am with the ladies. She thinks I lay patiently on the bed waiting for her to come home every night and provide a little petting. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. And really, some people like to pet differently than others. I'm a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to cuddles, and I can tell you from experience that the best kind comes with the use of fingernails. The tummy, the tushie, behind the neck and ears…you get a woman who knows how to scratch and that back leg just starts a-thumpin' and its whooo doggie…

I have to be discreet, of course.

Can't let the whole neighborhood know I solicit cuddles on a regular basis. I have successfully managed to hide this for the better part of five years, but eventually the game will be up. My mommy will discover my guilty secret.

For the meantime though, I am safe. I will conduct my clandestine acts of congress without fear of detection. Speaking of which . . .

Cuddles, anyone?